On imposter syndrome
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On imposter syndrome
and wanting to set my computer on fire
“Fake it ‘til you make it.”
This is what someone said when I posted on Twitter that I was grappling with a particularly bad bout of Imposter Syndrome. This isn’t my first time wrestling with feelings of enough-ness and wondering about my place in the writing and literary communities. It seems, it happens in seasons. Months go by where I think of how lucky I am to do the work I do. I feel confident sitting down at my desk and writing essays. I soar from interview to interview feeling happy and fulfilled, and then like waking up with a cold, it all stops and I wonder if someone’s going to figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing.
Of course the reality is I do know what I’m doing. I’ve worked for years to reach a place where I’m both challenged and confident as a writer and in the work I do planning, hosting, and curating events. I wish I could live in that confidence, but it shifts and suddenly I struggle to write, and wonder if I should even bother writing ever again. Ideas will come and I’ll feel unable to tackle them and so just let them float away.
I’ve been lucky to watch conversations with wonderful creative people who share their thoughts on imposter syndrome and these feelings, or the state of mind that comes with imposter syndrome, feels tied to worth and value. The other side of it is that creators (visual artists, writers etc.) spend an awful lot of time alone, in their thoughts and insecurities. We create for ourselves first, but we also want to share what we make with others which often means a rise of fear and anxiety around what the world will think of our hard work and efforts.
As a victim of bullying, and as a woman who exists in a world where our value and worth is dictated by our capitalist, patriarchal system, it’s hard to put yourself out there. And that’s what it is when we put our art into the world, it’s not just art, it’s personal. This is particularly true for me as a nonfiction writer, but I know it resonates with fiction writers and sculptors alike.
The truth is I don’t want to fake it any more. I want to be sure of myself, to trust my instincts, and creativity. This is an ongoing process. I’m trying to know that my writing is good, even if it’s just good for me. This time I tried not to listen to the nagging voice that said Quit now! Set your computer on fire! Instead I cooked, and baked. I read poetry, memoir, and fiction, and yesterday I wrote again. I’m not sure if the words are good, but for now it doesn’t matter because I can celebrate the journey as well as the destination.
CREATE:
I pulled a Tarot Card recently that reminded me to spend time in nature. It reminded me of a writing exercise Helen Humphreys suggested during her talk on nature writing for the Federation of BC Writers Summit. Helen called it a microstudy. Pick a bit of nature. It could be the park near your house, a space in your yard, the beach where you walk your dog. Go to that spot every day over a series of weeks and write about it. Try to go at the same time of day, this helps establish a pattern. Note the changes big and small. Think of the senses (what do you smell, hear…maybe not taste though!)
Did you know I host and produce a podcast?
If you’re a person who enjoys podcasts, books, conversations about writing, and more, check out the Writing the Coast podcast. My past guests have included Michelle Good, Annabel Lyon, Billy-Ray Belcourt, and Cedar Bowers. It’s available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, and on Soundcloud.
What I'm reading: After spending a few weeks reading poetry and fiction, I started reading Tastes like War by Grace M. Cho. I’m not sure how I found this memoir. I often search for food memoirs online and this likely came up in one of those searches. Tastes Like War was a finalist for the 2021 National Book Award and tells the story of a Grace and her mom, their experience as American-Koreans in Chehalis, Washington where they were they only Koreans in the community. Cho investigates her mothers schizophrenia and the roots of her illness, and reflects on the role food played in her life and her mother’s, especially after she starts cooking childhood dishes inviting the past into the present.
What’s next on the reading list: I’ve got a couple books on my reading list once I’m done Tastes Like War. I’m going to spend sometime with Bloodroot by Betsy Warland in preparation for my event with Betsy at the Sunshine Coast Festival of the Written Arts in August. I’m also doing some research for new book project and am going to tackle A Geography of Blood by Candace Savage.
What I'm watching: Full confession, I recently binge watched the later seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, not something I would recommend. For things I would recommend watching, here’s a shortlist:
Boiling Point: This British movie came up several times when I searched “best movies 2021.” The movie is set in a high-end restaurant where the chef is struggling with the day-to-day chaos of running a restaurant while his personal life is falling apart. The most interesting part of this movie is that it’s filmed in a single take. The audience moves in and out of the restaurant following particular characters and through their storylines we glean necessary information to understand the full picture. There’s great tension and it never feels boring or draggy (is that a word?).
Good Luck to You, Leo Grande: I didn’t expect to like this movie, but I ended up loving it! I mean, how could I not love it? It has Emma Thompson! The entire movie with the exception of one scene is set in a hotel room. Emma Thompson’s character Nancy hires a sex worker, Leo Grande, after her husband dies and the movie unfolds from there. There is some wonderful and important conversation around sex work, sex, and pleasure. It’s one of the best movies Thompson’s done!
What I'm cooking: I’ve been cooking A LOT lately and most of the meals I make revolve around me trying to use the veggies that have been arriving in my weekly CSA box. One of my recent favourites was a mix of a taco and a scallion pancake. I make scallion pancakes (made with local scallions) and used them as a taco shell. The fillings included grilled pork tenderloin and a big pile of local veggies.
